remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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