good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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