you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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