You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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