Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
