the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
