i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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