He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
