i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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