a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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