You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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