Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
