Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
