I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
