his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
