Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
