So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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