"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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