i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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