Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
