Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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