you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
