Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
