you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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