I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
