Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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