I could make wine with my vomit
i think i have two assholes
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We need a shit load of segways right now
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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