vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
