Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize