How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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