billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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