I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
