Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
two words: eviction party
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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