So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
