saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
