dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize