Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
