you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
