My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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