At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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