So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
