i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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