i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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