Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Pants are for mortals
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
