Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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