I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
