that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She told me I should be a condom model.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize