even my farts smell like vagina
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
