i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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