she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
