I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize