She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
