I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
