If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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