I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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