oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My breasts were aching with rage.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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