Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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