Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my being single is dangerous.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
