i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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