I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
