I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
