apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
